Okay, this has gone on long enough. I feel that the Nice Guy has been run into the ground and depreciated lower than ever due to the internet backlash. I understand the defense: the nice guy ploy is a routine; nice guys are too shortsighted to be capable of a mature, healthy love; nice guys create pedestals which are uncomfortable and a poor basis for relationships. If I’ve missed any, please call me on them.
The origin of the modern nice guy has roots in childhood, when Father Disney pulls boys on his lap, cooing gently, “There is a princess in every tower, and each of them is pure of heart and awaits your kindness. Touch your lips to hers and the rest will work itself out.” While I won’t get into the problems the Disney Princess raising may place on girls, I will point out that this is the formulation of a structure, or, if you will, a game. Romantics will look at it, pick up a sword, mount a white steed, and begin chasing their missing half as soon as they can. This can also lead to the creation of players, who notice the “game” and use the system to get ahead: there are just as many girls who buy into the romance, but I will NOT say there are more. I will define the Nice Guy as someone who fully believes in the structure and romance of the assumption that one with a patient spirit, kind heart, who cares about their love interest, will be worthy of their attention. In no way must they be spineless or doormats. They may be, but that just shows they’re well seasoned.
This brings me to the first oversimplification: “a man who is a nice guy feels that they deserve a woman, regardless of their feelings or decision”. No. A man should never trample the opinion of anyone he claims to love. If a Nice Guy feels entitled to your hand because of his efforts, then he is not a Nice Guy; he is a player. A player uses the nice guy routine to endear himself to a target and his true colors show once plans deviate. A true Nice Guy is patient and understanding.
This leads directly into the second oversimplification: “Nice Guys don’t exist, it is only a routine.” Sure, I’ll admit that the true Nice Guy is a myth. They are born of the romantic dream of Disney Princes. A Nice Guy is not a tangible, breathing human being. A Nice Guy is a code of ethics: Patience, kindness, respect, honesty, integrity, and love. For a human to follow those to the letter is naïve, but it is that naivete from which the Champion his born. Sure, I’m romanticizing them, but that’s what we’re about. The truth about the Nice Guy is that they don’t truly exist. It is a delusion, but one that they have learned to validate themselves through. The Nice Guy crusades until he finds a worthy mate and devotes 1000% of himself to being worthy of this person (I’m sure it works for any gender permutation).
The Target, I’ll call her a girl, is put off by this and weirded out. She often rejects the Nice Guy out of hand on the basis of him coming on too strong, or a feeling that he does not see her as she is. This is what I believe is the third oversimplification: “A Nice Guy cannot be worthy of a healthy relationship.” If a girl rejects a Nice Guy because he doesn’t see them as they are, I bluntly submit that they are inconsiderate. It’s not that it’s not their right, it’s that they’re missing the point.
A Nice Guy is a product of his environment. Firstly, he has been conditioned to believe that if he crusades and simply kisses his mate, he will have earned her. While the gender roles in that are boggling, I will not criticize them, as they are fragments of a bigger problem. The second portion of this is that the Nice Guy is not the paragon he believes he is, he is human. Beyond the dizzying display of tenacity, kindness and fearless heart, he is a human and worthy of a relationship *IN THE RIGHT SETTINGS*. A Nice Guy may have you on a pedestal, but if it is shattered quickly, there will be nothing to fear. I gloss over this point, because it is related to the last. Finally, a Nice Guy is a stubborn fool. He is clearly deluded by romantic dreams and may not recognize his flawed perceptions for some time. The solution to this, as with the last, is to recondition him.
*The worst thing you can do to a Nice Guy is reject them.*
As I have said, the Nice Guy Moral Code/Delusion stems from the idea that they are a hero and are in the right to follow this structure because it is simply how love works. In time, they will learn how love truly works and see it for the constant effort between two equals that it really is. Therefore it is vital that they are corrected as soon as possible. This cannot happen through mere rejection. A rejected Player will call you a bitch. A rejected Nice Guy will experience something similar, but should never disrespect you. If you’ve rejected a “Nice Guy” and they didn’t instantly tell everyone you were a whore, you’ve probably made a mistake.
This is where the problem comes to a head about women’s rights, male entitlement, and the definitions of relationships and love come into play. In preface, I believe that this is largely an adolescent problem (and should be handled by educated adolescents before it reaches adulthood). While women may jerk to outrage at this suggestion, I believe that the responsible thing to do is to give them what they want: a single date. Make it clear early that the pedestal is unwelcome, their approach is flawed and prepare them for the real world. They simply won’t hear it otherwise.
To give this context and assuage the outrage that you may be being stripped of your rights, a date is not the promise of a relationship, it is not a binding contract. It is an interview, the method of discovering if there is a future. A date is something that means more to the Nice Guy than it does to the mate, or more appropriately, the fixation. Their flawed interactions can only be corrected through education, and may show a more attractive person once discarded. Denying a Nice Guy of the experience that comes so naturally to those charismatic enough or aloof enough to snatch up mates without effort will only stunt their progress and leave them embittered, but unchanged. A rejection doesn’t teach them that they are wrong, but instead reinforces that 1) you are a slut who dates everyone but nice guys 2) they have stumbled into a friendzone 3) you are a bitch who wouldn’t appreciate love if it were in front of her, or 4) they simply haven’t tried hard enough. Number four is especially scary, because not only is the problem unresolved, it is escalated and only means more misery in the next crusade.
The point I am trying to make is that the Nice Guy myth is a false teaching that, when unchecked, continues into a cycle that the victim (the Nice Guys themselves) will be unable to notice, correct, and heal from until it has scarred them and impacted many other lives. I feel that the problem is on both sides. The boys want their Happily Ever After as easily as they saw in childhood; the girls want the liberation of choice and the right to make poor decisions. To quickly elaborate: young girls may typically want bad boys, but not out of spite. They might have something to prove, they might be too shallow to see beyond the superficial and recognize the mistakes they are making, or simply might be aware and choose it for any number of reasons. If those are the decisions they choose, it is theirs and it must be respected. While the idea they are attracted to bad mates is debatable, they all mature.
As I said, this seems to be an adolescent issue and I feel that anyone complaining about it should just date older people, but I don’t feel that youth is an excuse to hurt others. It can be countered that a young woman may be afraid to be assertive or worry they will be seen as cruel. As I said before, the ones who hurt you in return are only players and don’t deserve the lesson. The true gems, however, are either worthy of your attention, or should be appreciated enough to be shown the error of their ways. Just because you may not be the princess of their dreams, it that shouldn’t discourage you from doing the romantic thing: rescue them.
